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Introduction

I can’t tell you why Valentine’s Day was exceptionally annoying to me this year, but it was. It could be that I’ve been chronically single for 12 years and tried every dating app out there. I’ve tried matchmaking, online dating, and “getting out there”.

I’ve gone so far as to give my number to a complete stranger. I’ve done therapy, hiking groups, and solo travel, both local and overseas. I have done it all. Alone. And now I am tired. I am chronically single.

Although I am single, I am not unhappy. I just never imagined myself single at the age of 43. In 2025, I am still the only one buying flowers for me on Valentine’s Day.

Before you begin...

Coming home to a bright bunch of flowers or enjoying gourmet biscuits with a cuppa tea is something I love to do. Fabulous Flowers is an online shop I recently discovered and as you may notice, I needed a little pick-me-up to survive Valentine’s Day last week. I spoiled myself with a gorgeous bunch of ‘Glee in a Jar’ flowers!

Do yourself a favour and visit the Fabulous Flowers website; their flowers are farm-fresh and boast a 5-star rating from over 2700 people! 

The Reality of The Chronically Single

I don’t think chronic singledom is a choice, it is a thing that happens to really amazing people, for multiple reasons. 

Celine, in an interview with Vice described chronic singledom perfectly. The excerpt reads:

“The people I know are married or “settled” with kids. At 34, my long-term singleness feels like “a fact about myself that needs explanation, especially with new dates.”

“I’ve had men question my past relationship history or even wonder what might be amiss with me that I haven’t experienced something serious,” she adds. “It’s something I find hard to explain to myself, really, apart from the fact it’s the way things have panned out.”

Celine feels caught in a bind. She tries “not to see [herself] as ‘lacking’ even if others might,” but also does want to “settle down”. “I would love to be a parent,” she says. “I would also like to know what it feels like to build a life with someone, to share in-jokes, to adapt to their humour, and to learn from one another.”

Having had flings in the past, “including an ill-judged situationship,” she says the parts she enjoyed most “were where they did simulate a real relationship when we stayed in or watched television or made-up silly jokes”. She realised casual set-ups like these were not for her though. After a nasty experience with abusive messages, she is now “off the apps”.

“Maybe not everyone is destined to find someone romantic to spend their life with, and perhaps that’s OK,” Celine says, finally. “And frankly, I am not unhappy – it’s almost as if others feel I should be.”

Minus the dream of being a parent, this is the perfect description of life as a single person. I have dated many men, lasting no longer than three months. My most recent ‘relationship’ lasted eight months, when it should not have lasted four. 

I really did challenge myself in that relationship, testing my current theory that this chronic singledom was a “me thing”. Results pending… 

The Dating Scene Is a Swamp of Superficiality 

Chronic singledom is not a choice, it is something I have to accept. Was I too focused on my career? Did I have to prioritise my mental health for a couple of years? Did I have unhealthy attachment behaviours? 

Yes. Yes. Yes. And so much more…

To further exacerbate my chronic singledom, the dating scene is incredibly superficial and two dimensional. My friend laughs at my stories, encouraging me to write a book. 

The Horrid Dating App

The faint scent of humdrum on every app is tangible. The complete lack of effort put into profiles and messages was a constant frustration for me. ‘Going through the motions’ is unfortunately not good enough for me. I am looking for a life partner, not a ‘one night cuddle’. Here is an example of the messages I received:

• Me: Hi!
• Him: How are you?
• Me: Fine and you?
• Him: Good thanks.
• Me: Good, how has the week treated you?
• Him: Good, lots of work. 
• Me: It never ends hey? What do you do for a living?
• Him: I’m a data engineer.
• Me: Fantastic. Do you at least get to work from home?
• Him: No, I have to sit in traffic every day.

Simple. One-sided. No effort, nor interest. Just ticking a box. My thoughts around this are: if you go to an in-person event, is this how you would approach someone you found interesting? Walk up to them and say ‘Hi’? Failure to plan is planning to fail. Swipe left. 

It's Social Media's Fault

Social media has shaped our ability to interact and many of us are shy and risk-averse. Online dating, in my opinion, is not the way to find a life partner, but neither are your friends I’m afraid to say. 

Friends settle down with their partner and have children, making new friends with other parents. Their obligations are school events on Saturday morning, not pub hopping at 11pm on a Friday night. Oh, the good old days… 

The dating world I find myself in is very different to the days when someone sent you an sms. The game has completely changed and somebody forgot to WhatsApp me the rules. 

My Chronically Single Superpower: Embracing the Freedom

Let’s pause my chronically single rant for just a moment and reflect on the many great experiences I’ve had. Listening to my married friends, I really do appreciate how much freedom I have. I do, wear, say, eat, and watch whatever my heart desires. Whenever my heart desires. 

Learning to Live My Life

I’ve had to step outside my shell and do things I never thought was possible. I’ve traveled across the USA alone, I take regular road trips with my dogs; I go to the movies, talk to strangers, and go for a beer. I live my life. Talking to complete strangers is now a special skill I’ve developed. A badge of honour so to speak. 

I don’t need to call Bob and check that we are free for the weekend. I don’t have to spend every second Christmas with Bob’s family. I don’t need to phone Bob before deciding what I want for dinner. 

Getting to Know Myself

I know myself inside out. Back to front. There is nothing I can hide from myself. I’ve built a really good life for myself, with my two amazing dogs. I’ve learned to trust myself and embrace all of me. The light and the dark. 

I don’t think many people are given the opportunity to really trust and love oneself to this degree. I believe this self-understanding to be something powerful, which I must embrace. I face life head-on without doubt or guilt. After all, look at what I’ve achieved all on my own, alone. 

Before you continue...

If you’ve managed to read this far, thank you! Before I continue my rant of singledom, I want to pause and share that I am no stranger to spoiling myself. It’s important that single people don’t miss out on life, it shouldn’t be a punishment. 

I deserve to come home and see a bright bunch of flowers on the coffee table. I want to have a box of gourmet biscuits delivered to my office (aka home). For the 25 + years of dating, I have maybe received three bunches of flowers, one of which I had to ask for. Shocking, I know. 

So, every now and then, I randomly spoil myself with a bunch of flowers or something yummy I wouldn’t normally buy. Confession, I buy chocolate and ice-cream frequently so those don’t count. 

Be like me - sit back and order something amazing from Fabulous Flowers. The flowers are farm fresh and they have a truly great selection to choose from. Make time to sit back, relax and fill your soul bucket with yumminess. 

Single And Stressed: The Strain of Being Chronically Single

I’m ready to start ranting again and I’ll try to keep it short.

I am tired of eating alone. Going shopping alone. Planning holidays alone. I am tired of looking after myself when I am sick, picking myself up when life gets tough, and motivating myself when I don’t want to. I am tired.

The Dreaded 'Why Are you Still Single?'

My extended family won’t ask me directly but through the grapevine, I know they’ve asked my mom why I’m still single. When you are 43, never married, and have no children, social interactions are guaranteed to produce a look of disbelief. “Never? You’ve never been married? But you seem so nice.” Cue me: Aaaaarrrrgggggg!!!! 

I can cook, clean, and wash. I can sew, garden, and change a lightbulb. I am successful, well-spoken, polite, and funny. I would gladly farm during the day, and meet you later for a black-tie event. 

Your answer is as good as mine. I don’t know. But as the tides turn, I become too self-sufficient and too comfortable. 

Finding Comfort in My Chronically Single Life

In a previous short-term relationship, my autonomy was challenged. I did not want to compromise on certain things. I like being at home, on my couch with the dogs. As the joke goes - a man needs to top this level of awesome to get me to put mascara on. 

Another reality of chronic singledom and being alone for long periods is that my depression is exacerbated and I struggle to find the motivation to go out, join groups and meet people.

The Relentless Daily Responsibilities Takes a Toll

An article from Live Bold and Bloom states that chronic singledom takes a toll on the body and mind due to the increased levels of stress stemming from the unrelenting solo responsibility of life. I can confirm this to be 100% true. Income, household duties, minor and major decisions, and everything else life throws at me - a career, difficult family dynamics… menopause. I’ve done it all, alone, for 12 years. 

Live Bold and Bloom goes on to say - “The cumulative weight of this constant stress and lack of a support system often wears down emotional reserves leaving singles prone to burnout.”

I burnt out in 2019, at the height of my career. I was on medical disability for over a year, dealing with severe depression, chronic fatigue, and burnout. Alone. 

The Future of The Chronically Single: Looking the Truth in the Eye 

I have gone through multiple “serial dating” phases over the years. This app, that date, this man, that app, this event. I’ve done it all.

After date number 995, I finally deleted the latest of many dating apps, for what I hope is the last time. Live Bold and Bloom state that chronic singledom can result in low motivation and passivity. Unfortunately, this is where I find myself on Valentine’s Day in 2025.

When a core human need like intimate connection is neglected for years, goal-related motivation often declines, leading to passivity and difficulty getting motivated. When your basic intimacy needs are chronically unmet, goal pursuit can feel futile.

While I enjoy the process and learning curve of getting my blog up and running, and trying to source an income (alone), I know that my next step is to go out and join clubs. Hiking clubs, volunteer clubs, gardening clubs, and any other club my potential future partner might be involved in. I just need to dig deep and find the motivation. Alone. 

My Final Word on the Chronically Single

I have lowered my standards, raised my standards, stepped to the right, then to the left, jumped up, and crouched down. I have looked at myself from the left, and the right, inside and outside, from the brain and the heart. I have been to therapy, developed myself, built a life, and spent time with friends. 

Eventually, I found myself in a state of analysis paralysis. I am, after all, the only constant in this equation of chronic singledom. After another period of self-reflection, I raised my hands, let out a deep sigh, and settled into a state of acceptance.

So, for last week, Happy Valentine’s Day 2025! Don't forget to spoil yourself and sign up for the monthly Unhysterical newsletter. Packed full of trends and new content, with tons of special deals and products just for you! Click the banner and start spoiling!